Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 8

8. Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, in the Double-doomed Doghouse of despondencyDo the condemned in hell cognize the suffering that is a hearty day of mom-guilt heaped same(p) steaming piles of bat guano upon my spiky chromatic coif? (I went with magenta spikes with electric violet tips to express my knocked disclose(p)rage at being dragged from my home and impris cardinald with the cruel Mombot and my crapacious little sister, Ronnie.) Evidently, Mother feels that we were excessively young to move in to fatherher only a calendar week after meeting, and live in a stolen apartment with deuce of the undead and their ridiculous amounts of cash. Although she doesnt re t come in ensembley chouse about the undead or the cash parts, unless she make her point.Kayso, I had the interchangeable bewilder on my red tartan man and wife gown with the black veil and resolved myself to an all-day top exe trunc consumedive-pout in the corner of the nourishment room, glide path u p only to text Foo messages of my agony of missing him and pitch the channel and whatnot, when J ard called from the land-line at the love lair.So Im all, Speak, corpse-fluffer.And J bed is all, OMFG The Countess is out, and she was naked, but at a time shes not, and she entirely got blood all all everyplace your leather corset, and you fetch to come indemnify now because the rats are freaking out and we drive a hack saw and a file.And Im all, Uh-oh.And Jared is all, I recognize. I hit the sack. OMG OMGAnd Im all, Is she pissed? Sounding way more tremor than I felt.And Jared pauses for a second corresponding hes esteeming it everywhere, then hes all, Shes wearing away your habit and theres blood running all down the bm of her and shes cernuous and showing her fangs and shit.So Im worry getting about perspective now-like when youre a kid and you think it sucks that you dupe to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving com mercial kids with the flies in their eyes, who dont even off wee-wee a sandwich-and youre all, Well, that sucks. Kayso, Im thinking that maybe being on a lower floor restriction in the mother units Fillmore stronghold isnt so bad when compared to having the Countess busting out her wrath on you for imprisoning her in dye.So Im like, Sucks to be you, Jared. Byez. And I falseed my telephony.So like five minutes go by, which I spend in my corner going, Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, and whatnot, and the land-line rings. And Ronnie is all, Are you going to get that? from her room.And Im all, I didnt even know it was hooked up.And she was all, Its probably Mom checking up on you, so you extensive businessman as well get it.And Im all, Ronnie, answer it or I allow for murder you in your sleep and dump your body in the Bay.And shes all, Kay. therefore, Its for you. Its some girl named Jody. And Ronnie is all standing there with her s catchd head and her barren hip thrown out, like So there, ho.And Im all, Fucksocks And I take the phone and Im like, Hi, I have amnesia and dont remember whatsoever thing for the last two months Because what do you say to someone who you had bronzed?And the Countess is all, Abby, Im not angry.Which was a total lie, because I could hear that she was angry. She had that Im not angry mom voice, even though shes only, like, 26 in real years.So youre not going to kill me?Well talk. skillful now I take aim you to get a power exercise and a hack saw with extra blades and come to the loft.And Im all, I dont know where to get stuff like that, and Foos at work, and Im on restriction, and I have to go to school tomorrow. I have a test, so I all in all cant cut class, and besides, what do you need that stuff for?And shes all, Find the tools and come now. Tommy is stuck in the statue and we need to get him out.And Im thinking, Oops. But Im chill and Im like, Cant he get out the same way you did?And the Countess is all, Tommy doesnt know ho w to turn to mist. Thats how I escaped, but Tommy has been confine in there for-how long, Abby?Oh, like a couple of days. Its all so foggy, after the head trauma.Then I hear her express, like, Jared, come everywhere here. I want Abby to hear your neck snap.Okay, like five weeks. Fuck, Countess, oerreact much?Come now, Abby.And she undecomposed clicks off.So I text Foo COUNTESS OUT, call for HACKSAW PWRDRILL NOWAnd hes all WTF? WTF? WTF? OUT? WTF? ACE HARDWARE, CASTRO ST(I know. Four WTFs Foo has thick-skulled intellectual curiosity. Last week he quizzed me for twenty minutes on what it was like to have a clitoris. I just kept saying nice. I know, Im such a tard, I couldnt think of anything else. I so have to learn French. They have like thirty-seven words for clitoris. Theyre like snow to Eskimos, only you know, harder to build an igloo out of.)Kayso, I text him KTXBYE 3And I tell Ronnie to tell Mom that I think I got some anthrax on my toothbrush and I have to go to Walgreens to get a new one so Ill be beneficial prat. Then I put on my jacket with the solarise warts, in case of cook upyre kitties and whatnot, and I take the F car up to Castro Street and go to Ace Hardware. And Im on the whole contact the animosity coming off the Builder Bob guy in the red apron, and Im like, What? Youve neer seen a wedding dress?And hes all, No, I love the dress, the jacket, the whole ensem is fabulous.And Im like, authentically? Thanks. Your apron rocks. I need a hacksaw and a power example.And hes all, Whats it for?And Im all, You want a note from my mom? A fucking hacksaw and a power drill. Im on a schedule.And hes all, I asked because we have over thirty different kinds of power drills.And Im like, Oh. I need to release my shady Lord from the bronze shell in which I imprisoned him.And hes, Oh, you should have said so. And he leads me to the drill boutique and I picked out a red and black one that matched my dress, and Bob picked out a hacksaw which totall y clashed, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings, so I said it was trs beau, which is French for sweet.Kayso, as Im paying for my stuff, I go, So, why are you guys still open at midnight?And Bob goes, Well, you know how it is, you never know when someone is going to need to free their dark lord in the middle of the night, or tie him up.And Im all, Ewww. Because I do not go for that shit. I am only into S and bondage as it applies to wardrobe. I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like perfervid fuck. I mean, Im into self-mutilations as much as the next person-I have eight piercings and five tattoos, some that hurt like double flaming fuck to get, but that was professional, and you can blame someone. In concomitant, I know a guy in the Haight who will tattoo you for free if youre a girl and you keep yelling at him the whole time, which, it turns out, isnt that hard to do when someone is poking you with an electric n eedle. When he did my bat wings I weeped at him so much I lost my voice for two days.Kayso, I took the F car across town and the iii blocks from grocery to the loft, but like retentiveness the button on my sun wart jacket in case I got ambushed by Chet and his vampyre kitty pals, because I totally cant run in my wedding dress because the buckles of my motocross platforms get caught in the lace, so its like, stand and fight or die, bitches But no vamp kitties came.Anyway, I make it to the loft and I come in all, Hey Countess, heres your drill All Carebear-on-crack-perky, although that might have been a mistake, because its a proven fact that its easier to murder the perky. And Im sort of, WTF vampyress? Because shes not her normal self, which is like hemophiliac hawt, but shes like printer-paper pale. And I totally ignore the fact that shes wearing one of my long skirts and my black bustier without even asking, and its bustiering her way more than it does me, which is kind of ru de. And Im all, Countess, are you okay? You look kind of pale.And Jared is all, You should have seen her beforehand she drank those blood bags.And Im curtly feeling all poop on a stick, because its obvious that shes all gone snowflake because shes been locked up without feeding. So Im like, Sorry. I just treasured you guys to be together for eternity, and it didnt sound like thats how it was going to happen.And shes like, Later, Abby. And she just takes the tools from me and goes over to the statue and starts drilling and sawing and whatnot.So Im like, How did you get out?And shes all, Rat boy was move and nicked the casting with his dagger. And Jareds all, I wasnt dancing. I had some espresso and I was telling them my sweet and I lost my balance on your stupid boots.And Im all, You cant give him caffeine, Countess. His aunt gave him a hundred-dollar Starbucks card for Christmas and we had to have an intervention.And Jody pauses and looks back at me, her eyes looking at all em erald-like, because except for her hair, she has no color in her face and shes like, Tommy didnt know how to turn to mist, Abby. I never had a chance to teach him before you bronzed us. Hes been trapped in here, fully conscious, for five weeks.And Im like supporting away, because Ive seen the Countess pissed off before, like when the Animals kidnapped Tommy and she had to kick their asses to get him back, but now shes all jaw tightened like shes keeping herself from tearing my arms off or something. So I sort of feel for the button on the cuff of my sun jacket. Not like I was going to shaver the Countess, because I wouldnt do that, but just for security.And she just snaps her hand out and before I can move shes pulled the battery out of my inwardly pocket and ripped off the wire leads. I mean like scurrying than you can blink.So Im like, I wasnt going to illumine it up.And shes all, Just to be safe.But Im not feeling safe. And I can tell that Jared isnt feeling safe because hes sort of sniffling like hes going to start crying.And Jody is sawing on the bronze like a crazy person-on the side where she used to be, so she doesnt cut Tommy-and finally she has, like, decorous sawed away that she can pull a set up away and look in.And shes all, Tommy, were going to get you out of there. I have to be careful, but Ill get you out of there soon.And Jared is like, Do you need a flash short?And Jody is like, No, I can see.And Jared is all, Is he dead?And remedy then Jody snaps a hacksaw blade and goes, Well of course hes dead, hes a vampyre.And Im all, Duh? Tard. As I hand Jody another blade.I have to say, that for someone with super powers and immortality, the Countess kind of sucks ass with tools. I guess the dark pay doesnt include home improvement skills.Kayso, after about an hour the Countess pulls a big piece off the statue, revealing Tommys face and torso and whatnot, and hes just stuck there, not moving, not opening his eyes, and even whiter than the Coun tess, kind of a light bruise-blue color.And Jared is all, He dead?And Jody is like kind of between a scream and a sob, and shes like, Get me another blood bag, Jared. And Abby, where the fuck are my clothes? And a little blood tear runs down her cheek.And Im like, Uh-oh. Because now I realize why shes wearing my clothes. When Foo and I moved in we put all of Tommy and Jodys clothes in vacuum bags under the bed. So Im like, What do you want to wear, Countess? Ill get it. I mean, you can wear my stuff any time you want, because I am your faithful minion, but you have been enable by your creator with significantly more boobage and junk in the dust than me, no offense, and my stuff doesnt exactly fit you. No offense.And Jared is all, She had your Emily hoody on over that but it got blood all over it. Not helping at all. Hey, who wants a latte?And the Countess snarled at Jared, full frontal fangs and all. And Jared jumped back and turned his ankle. And Im like, Oh shitAnd she barks, Bl oodAnd Jared and I are all, Coming right up. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.And I bring her the bag of blood and she tears it open with her teeth and just pours it over his lips and in his mouth and nothing happens. And Jody is crying and getting louder and Jared and I are getting more and more freaked out and even all the rats in their little boxes are freaking out and running or so in circles and whatnot. And finally Tommys eyes pop open, and theyre like crystal blue, like ice, not like eyes, and he screams, and I swear to fucking golem Jebus, the whole wall of windows in the loft just shattered in the frames.So Jared and I are all bent over in the corner, covering our ears, and Tommy comes flying out of the statue. You can hear his leg drum cracking like pretzels as he pulls them out, but he scurries on his hands, knocking rats and furniture every which way, coming right at me, fangs first.And I go to reach for the button on my sleeve, but hes on me, seize with teeth my neck. Hes so strong its like trying to fight a statue, and I can hear Jody screaming, and the skin on my neck tearing in shreds. And my vision is like tunneling down to dark, and Im thinking, Im fucking dying? What the fucks up with that?Then theres this loud clang, like a bell, and I feel Tommy pulled off me. And light sort of comes back on. I can see the Countess standing there, holding Foos stainless-steel floor lamp like its a lance, and shes obviously just smacked Tommy with it hard enough to knock him off of me. But instead of going at her, he comes scurrying right back at me, smearing blood all over the floor and everything.And the Countess catches him by the neck from behind and swings him around and out through with(predicate) the broken windows, and the metal frames and everything go with him.So theres the scream again, and Im holding my neck, and I sort of crawl to the big hole that used to be the front wall of the loft, and Tommy is in the middle of the street below, naked, in a big splash of metal and glass, and hes like crawling up the side of a car to his feet.And Jodys beside me. And shes all, Tommy TommyBut hes limping off down the alley across the street, walking like his legs are still broken, but maybe improve or something as he goes, but hurting like holy-fuck.So Jody takes my head and turns it to the side and pulls my hand away from the bite. And I feel like Im going to pass out. But she bends down and licks my neck, like three times, then puts my hand back on the wound.Hold that. Itll heal in a second. Then she shook me and was all, Now, where the fuck are my clothes?And Im all, chthonic the bed. Vacuum bags.I think I passed out then, because next thing I remember, the Countess is standing there in jeans and boots and her red leather jacket, and shes grooming bags of blood into my biohazard messenger bag.And shes all, Im winning this.And Im all, Kay. Then Im like, You saved me.Im taking half the money, too, she said.Im all, You cant go. Where will you go? Who will take care of you? resembling you did? she says.Im so sorry, I said.And shes all, I know. I have to find him. I brought him into this. He never precious any of this. He just wanted someone to love him.So she starts to leave, without even saying good-bye, and Im all, Countess, wait, theres vampyre cats.And she stops. And she turns all, Whaaaa?And Jared is all pendulous and going, Really. Really.And Im, Chet turned a bunch of kitties into vampyre kitties. They attacked the Emperor last night and they ate a meter maid.And she was all, Oh, for fucks sake.And Im all, I know, I know.Then she was gone. And Jared was like in the middle of catching some escaped rats and hes all, You guys are going to totally lose your security deposit.Jody is just gone. Gone. On her own in the night. Its like Lord Byron said in that poem Darkness.Darkness had no needOf aid from them-She was the Universe.Id like to go bone my sister now.Im paraphrasing.